If and When

by Michael Webb

When I wrote last week asking for my readers input on the impact of children on marriage I received hundreds of replies. Many who wrote were boldly honest in stating that their marriage was fine before children but fell apart afterwards. Of course it wasn't the children that caused the divorce, but the changes that are inevitable whenever a family structure is altered.

Perhaps the most common problem couples have regarding children is their lack of planning and understanding how children will change the dynamics of a marriage.

Before we move on let me say some very important words here. Couples DO NOT have to have children. It does not make them deficient in any way. In fact, couples who choose not to have children for the right reasons deserve a lot of praise. They are far wiser than couples who have children for the wrong reasons. Not having children is the RIGHT choice for many couples. Way too many couples have children, when indeed they shouldn't.

There are many great reasons for not having children:

• You realize this world is already overpopulated and you are doing your part for the betterment of mankind
• You want to have the extra income and time to be able to do more charitable work and service
• You don't think you have the right temperament for raising children
• You don't have a desire to have children
• You value your relationship and honestly think children would cause serious problems in your marriage
• You don't have the income to raise a child the way you think they should be raised

There are two stages in planning your family.

DATING

The purpose of dating is to build friendships and to determine if two people are compatible partners for marriage. The issue of children should be brought up BEFORE a couple gets engaged. While your views on children might change as you age, it is crucial to be honest with your thoughts on children. If your answers conflict in a major way then hopefully you have the wisdom and maturity not to get married. Here are a few important questions to ask each other.

• Do you want children?
• If you were unable to bear children, would you want to adopt?
• How many children do you think you want to have?
• What sort of parenting style would you use? Many couples have serious arguments (and may even divorce) over disagreements on how their children are disciplined and reared. If you haven't given much thought about it, be sure to go to the library and check out several books on different parenting styles before you get engaged.

NEWLYWEDS

A blissful relationship needs to build a solid foundation before introducing children into the nest. I received a lot of notes from couples who said they had children too early in their marriage. They didn't have time to build a marriage before they were thrown into parenthood and their marriage nearly unraveled (or did) because of it.

Unless a couple has been dating for several years and their 'clock' is ticking loudly, there is no reason for having children within the first two years of marriage. The best advice I ever heard on this issue is: don't have children until you really, really, really want to have a child.

Athena and I wanted to do a lot of traveling and have a lot of fun as a couple before we tried to have children. We also wanted Athena to stay at home when we had children so we waited until that was possible. We had an awesome time seeing the world and doing a lot of things as a couple and were finally ready to slow down our pace before we had Ashton. There were absolutely no regrets with us waiting as long as we did.

Do not let friends, relatives or society pressure you into having children or into having children too early in your relationship. A couple doesn't need children to be blissful and they certainly need a few years of growing deeply in love before they expand their family.

Something to think about...

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About the Author: Michael Webb is Best-selling author, The RoMANtic's Guide: Hundreds of Creative Tips for a Lifetime of Love Founder, National Resurrect Romance Week (second week in August) Syndicated Columnist, 'The RoMANtic'
You can visit The RoMANtic's Guide online at TheRomantic.com

Michael Webb is also the author of:

1000 Questions for Couples

500 Lovemaking Tips & Secrets

300 Creative Dates

The Romantic's Guide to Popping the Question

50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships

A Better Way To Date

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Last Updated Thursday, August 30 2007 @ 07:36 AM CDT